and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
