so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
