Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I don't think your that much of a whore. your like a whore-let. a mini whore.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
