I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
babies were throwing up all over the place
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
