he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
