my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
