I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
