yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
