I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
