"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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