she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
