Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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