Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
