soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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