call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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