I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
