just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
