I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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