Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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