You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
