don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
