I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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