if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
what day is it and did you see me today?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
