idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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