What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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