I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
