Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Randomize
