he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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