he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
