Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
