If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
