No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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