Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
