we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
