Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Just pee around me
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
