I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
