we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
