Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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