How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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