Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I need water and some morals
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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