I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
