it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
