My first STD was from a foam party
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
It's official drugs can't kill me
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
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