There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
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