i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
