the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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