the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
