i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Pants are for mortals
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
