and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
ttyl tear gas
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
