Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
