Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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