apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
